Currently I have put my love life behind me, for now. I am trying to work on my college and find and job. I think that this will bear more fruit than anything else. I am trying to learn how to draw in a cartooning/ manga style. I think I want to find a job drawing comics as a career after college, if I get good at it. A very good friend friend of mine is helping me a little to show me some ways to draw manga like him. He is also starting his own business to sell a comic that he and some other friends created. If I can get good enough I want to get into this business. For one reason above all the others- it is a Christian comic. That way I could do something I like as well as serve the lord.

I have already pinned down one of the the problems with my drawing. I don't have very good control. I may know what I want to draw, how to draw it, etc, etc, but when I try to draw it my hand does not follow the exact path of the shape I wish it to follow. The shape I have in my mind or that I am looking at. It is like, I have trouble drawing a perfect circle, it always comes off a little distorted, same with straight lines. I think that practice will make me better but I don't really know how to practice. How to practice to gain dexterity and control? Do any of you know how?

Well if anyone has been reading, my last journal you will know I have been having trouble in my love life. To make it short. She left me. She said she still loved me, but she still left me. Every time I talked to her after that or read one of her message she sent me she would mention that she still loved me. However, yesterday I was at church, and she was there. This was painful enough since I knew I was not allowed to talk to her. I watched from a distance, she seemed happy. Talking to other people... about me, I think.

She would talk to them and they would both glance at me during the conversations. I am no expert but I think I know what that entails. I also know that when she was with me she had know problem telling me and other people her ex's shortcoming and secrets. So this didn't make me very happy. I didn't want to assume but I didn't know what else to think. She later approached me while I was drawing a portrait- sketch of a friend.

She was concerned that I would post on the internet some risque pictures that we had taken of her when we where together. I was offended and I told her in clear words that I was not that kind of guy, and that I thought she would of known me better. She responded with a sharp tongue and with words that cut my heart. She called me a porn-addict and a pervert. It was true I had been struggling with porn while I was in my relationship with her. The moment it ended though I deleted all of it and have vowed never to look at it again. I haven't.

But what she said and the way she said it to me made it clear to me that, no, she no longer loved me. She may have for awhile after the ending of our relationship. No longer. I think now that I must find a way to stop loving her, no matter how hard it hurts, no matter how much I don't want to. If I don't she will continue to torment my soul until the day I die. I don't know if my heart can take much more stabs inside the empty hole in my chest.

The problem is I don't know if I will be able to find a way to not love her. I think I am masochistic, to torture myself so. I love her and I don't know how to stop. Also I didn't tell her this but I deleted the pictures of her right after she walked away from me that day at church. She has no reason to be afraid. I may not be a good person, but I am not an evil person. I am not that kind of person I never have been and I never will be. I am still appalled that she would ever think that, if she ever truly loved me she should have figured out my nature. I am not evil, I have morals. People out there pray for me.

I am going through a rough time right now. I am or was in a relationship with a girl. A girl who I intended to marry someday. Well for the short of it, I was immature and I messed up royally. If there is anyone who believers out there, can you please pray for me. I need to mature and become a better man. A man of God. I love her dearly, and I do not want to loose her. So I could use your help. Please.

I am willing to do Commissions for a decent price, I am negotiable. If anyone wants to contact me about it just go ahead. Also my email is noirtatsu@gmail.com, I check that more often.